27.2.07

The Front Line is Everywhere

I want to take a group of people, think the cast of survivor as you'd expect them to appear judging only from the name. Eight or ten absolutely frightening people, or people who would frighten you if you saw the videos of their interviews. We give each one a cameraman, who happens to be armed and armored, a wad of cash, and an assault rifle. Then we drop them off in some crumbling African dictatorship.

That's it. We give them no rules, no directions, no goals. We just pick people that would happily murder a child for fun, and leave them in the most messed up situation we can find on Earth with the means to wreak havoc. And we film it for prime time.

Forget getting voted off the island. The question wouldn't be who'd win, it would be would any of them survive, and what would they do to that poor country in the meantime.

It's a thin line between entertainment and war.

26.2.07

The Real Third-World

How's this for an idea for a new reality show?

Some tv studio finds or builds a huge multi-million dollar mansion in the middle of a very rich neighborhood, Beverly Hills or someplace similar. Fly by shot of the neighborhood, complete with fountains, Ferraris, and swimming pools, ending with the big "Sold" sign in front of our own beloved example of conspicuous consumption.

The loving, caring studio then goes to Africa, or south America, or someplace with mind-numbing poverty, and brings back a family. Not a typical American nuclear family, mom, dad, 2.4 children and a dog, the family called "traditional" by those who don't actually want to look back any farther than 1950's suburban life, but a real traditional family. Mother, father, 8-15 children, grandparents, aunts and uncles and their attendant children, livestock and exotic illnesses. We take this family and move it, livestock included, into the delightfully roomy mansion in Beverly Hills.

The show would consist of the family's attempts to get used to American life, and the neighbors' attempts to get used to the third world in their back yards. High points could include moments such as when the chickens get loose and roost in the movie star's gutters, when the goats have overgrazed the family's lawn and they decide to utilize the neighbors' lawns, and when the neighbors hold a neighborhood meeting and try to get the family evicted on the grounds that they're lowering property values (which might actually stand up in court).

The studio would pay all the family's bills and provide them with immigration papers and a translator if they don't speak english. The family would get to live in a safer place, the studio would make money, and we'd get to hate the celebrities we all know and love. All in all, everyone's a winner. I think it'd be fun to watch, and it might even become popular.

24.2.07

McMercenaries

"Democracy™ and Freedom™ are registered trademarks of Globex Corporation. No person or persons may participate in either Democracy™ or Freedom™ without explicit written consent of Globex Corporation. The views implicit in Democracy™ and Freedom™ are not necessarily those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries, or its stockholders. All rights reserved."

I found this idea posited as an rpg setting, but I think it would make a better book, or maybe a tv series.

As an alternative to having your organs harvested and resold to cover your corporate debts, you've enlisted as a corporate mercenary. Now you're shown a 60 minute training video, a 30 minute briefing video, issued an ExtraValueGun™, and dropped in a corporate war zone. Your mission objectives are clearly printed on a nice card that also lists your expenses for training and equipment, your payment for this mission, and your outstanding debt to the Corp. You'll be billed for any medical treatment you may need. For the remaining 2 weeks of your life expectancy you will be serving the interests of the new owners of your service contract by shooting whoever stands in the way of their maximum shareholder value. Rival corporations, pesky indigenous peoples, unenlightened foreign governments, whatever. You can't care, your contract says so.

McMercenaries. Would you like explosions with that?

Locked Room

A brilliant situation for a thief: alone in a spacious mansion and more valuable goods than he had seen in his life within this one room. But Robert could not fly. Soon he would realize that the knot he had tied had come undone and the window by which he had entered was out of reach and both exits from the room locked. The cracked leather chair into which he later collapsed was just tall enough to allow him to reach the ledge, but it was, inexplicably, firmly bolted to the floor on the opposite side of the room. Likewise the mahogany table with the solid gold candlesticks. Imagine his joy at the apparent abundance surrounding him, suddenly mocked by panic at his predicament, later transformed to utter despair when his embarrassed shouts fail to attract any attention. Alone. He was more alone-if such was possible-than he had ever wanted to be in someone else’s home. Or so his note tells us.

When this note arrived by post at the police department, there was considerable consternation and confusion. The note was simple and direct. It read “I am Robert Baker, a lowly thief. I have broken into the home of one Andrew Johnson esquire and now find myself embarrassingly stuck. This may be the first time in all of history that a thief has made his way into great abundance and had to call upon the authorities for assistance, but I pray you will not fail me.”

It is from this evidence and that of the house itself that we must construct our tale. Robert himself tells us nothing more. But what a peculiar situation in which he found himself. What must he have thought when first he noticed that the door to the front portico required a key from within as much as from without, and that the door to the rest of the palatial manor was also firmly locked? Did his mild frustration turn immediately to panic when he saw that his trusty rope, by which he had entered, was no longer where he had left it, or did panic wait until he discovered that none of the furniture was portable?

At what did he first wonder? His unique and generously appointed prison cell, or the strange foibles that would lead a man to bolt everything to the floor? Did he scream in rage or fear when he learned that the windows could be neither opened nor broken, even with the help of the heavy golden candlesticks?

When his struggles proved futile, he must have fallen, exhausted into the sumptuous leather of the chair. His mind must have dwelt upon his impossibly poor choice of targets on this Saturday evening. Not much later he may have reflected on his past, the trials and events which had brought him to this occupation and so to this impasse. He must have dwelt on the memory of his failed romance, on his ever more expensive efforts to win his true love. These expenses were the goad that drove him to progressively less respectable sources of income.

As he slumped deeper into the soft cushions of the leather chair, he will have eventually put past failures and dodgy choices aside and returned to his present situation. How was he to escape? Ever the lurking thought would have been could he bring anything with him when he left? Perhaps the candlesticks. Indeed, one was found in the bushes beyond his original port of entry, presumably having been thrown there in the hopes of later recovery.

His search of the room, later, when his mind had calmed, would reveal little of value, but perhaps some of interest. The drawers in the mahogany table would prove to contain various correspondences to his unknowing host, from which Robert may have learned his name. It may have interested Robert to learn in a letter from Mr. Johnson’s accountant that his host was the owner of a rather significant amount of stock in the firm for which Robert had until recently worked. Might Robert have felt slightly justified in burgling a man he held responsible for his current employment? These feelings of justification would quickly have faded into further resentment of the man who had first trapped Robert in a cycle he had admittedly begun himself, and now trapped him in the commission of his crime.

It is this discovery of correspondence that would give Robert an idea of a way out. Sitting back in his chair he must have pondered it nervously at length. Was his position so desperate that he ought to send a letter to the police and simply wait for them to arrive? Certainly this idea had the appeal of a clean break from his wicked ways, but did he really want to take that step?

Eventually he must have decided that he did, as the letter was written, signed, sealed, stamped and addressed. It is at that point that Robert either regretted his decision, or realized that to send his confession he would have to push it out through the mail slot and await the postman, entrusting his precious parcel to anyone who might walk by. He did not send it by this means. Instead his letter was placed on the table, apparently right where Mr. Johnson was accustomed to place his outgoing mail, and abandoned.

It is at this point that we lose Robert. The room gives us no further indication of what he might have done. He may have paced back and forth across the oriental silk rug endlessly. He may have sat in the familiar chair. He may have examined further the contents of the desk or the tapestries on the walls. It may be at this point that he threw the candlestick out the window. He may have screamed till his throat was raw. We cannot know. What is clear is that he was somehow gone when Mr. Johnson’s maid arrived at eight on Monday morning, and that he left behind both his letter and the candlestick. Perhaps the letter was forgotten, or possibly he was in fact driven to repentance by his strange experience. Perhaps God opened the door.

I began searching for him when I received his letter, and I intend to ask him.

23.2.07

Used Book Store

On the corner of ninth and Broadway is the best used book store anywhere. Take my word for it. If you want it and it exists, he's got it. It might not be on the shelf, but ask and he'll get it. I used to look around other places first and then go there as a last resort, 'cause he always has weird prices, but after a while, I just took to goin' there first, and he's always got it, whatever it is.

Weird prices? Yeah. Real weird. Like the books on the shelves, you know? They're normal enough. Just a dollar figure. But I'm into the harder to find stuff, the rare shit, and he's got it, but he wants things. Like he'll ask for another book in exchange. And it's weird, 'cause he always asks for something I've got, and it's not like it's always something I got from him, though sometimes it is. Still, he always gets me what I want, so I deal with his creepy way of doing business, and it's usually cheaper anyway. Now I just call and ask what he's gonna want for whatever my book is this time.

And his hours are weird too. Like he only answers his phone late at night. Seriously late. His shop opens at midnight, and he doesn't pick up the phone till then, He's open till three though, so I come round in the morning or on lunch, so that's not so bad. Still, everyday, it's always him in the place, like he's the only guy that works there, and he's open everyday. I'd hate those kind of hours. Whatever.

Anything you want. I used to think it was just books or other printed stuff, but it turns out he deals in any information you can think of. How I found out that is he asked me for something new. One of my bosses, the fat bald one, I saw him one day going into this hole-in-the-wall pay-by-the-hour type place on the other side of town. I never liked the guy, and I thought it might be cool to have some shit on him, so I followed him in. I saw him goin into a room with this big guy in leather chaps, then I heard moans through the door. They didn't see me.

Well, I didn't stick around in that sorta place to see him come out, and that was too fucked up, so I didn't tell anyone. But this guy at the bookstore, he right out and asked me. Not did it happen, like he already knew that, but would I give it to him. I asked him what did he mean, give it to him, and he told me to type it out, sign and date it, and get it notarized. He promised that I wouldn't end up in court, and I wanted this book real bad, an original manuscript of the Malleus Maleficarum, and that's all he wanted, so I did it. Turns out my asshole boss is the big boss' favorite nephew and the beefy guy was only seventeen. Somebody got some extra stock options or something outa that document.

So anyway, now I knew that that guy was into some more interesting shit than just books, not that books aren't interesting, but most of them aren't illegal. So the other day when I saw the guy in the nice Armani come up out of the stairwell down into the basement where the shop is, without any books or anything, and get into a real nice car, nothing like should be in that neighborhood, I got curious. I wanted to know what he bought, and what he paid with. So I followed him.

Yeah, it was stupid, but I didn't get caught.

So this guy, he stops at a restaurant, Luigi's or something, and goes in. Big man in another nice suit is waiting for him in the corner. I take a table nearby and order and try to hear what they're sayin over the Sinatra. I guess some prick stiffed them on a loan, and the bookstore guy knew where to find him. They didn't say exactly what they paid him, and I wasn't gonna go ask 'em, but they said something about Da Vinci and something about "the notebook," so I'm definitely gonna see if I can get my hands on that. God only knows what I'll have to give for it. So the first guy left, and I didn't want to be suspicious so I kept eating and he was long gone when I left. They didn't say the guy's name or the address, so I don't know what happened to him, but they didn't sound too cheery.

But what gets me is, how did they know that the bookstore had that sort of information? And how'd the bookstore guy know that that would be useful later? And don't get me started on how he actually gets anything out of all this. Those special transactions, they don't involve money. At least, they never have that I know of, and after that I asked around. Lots of people know about him if you look in the right places, but they all keep quiet. I don't know.

Still, this is an information age, at least that's what they say. Seems like a nice business to be in if you can swing it. I think I'll see if he can get me an application. My boss has been even worse since I needed that book. Be nice to have a career change.

Take a Look, It's in Book

Reading Rainbow was such a great show, and educational too. I used to love sitting there and learning about things. Like Hawaii. The show on Hawaii was pretty, which is about all I wanted out of tv at the age of seven. And educational. I learned about volcanoes.

Of course, Reading Rainbow wasn't about to cover the political issues in Hawaii, like the anti-statehood people. No, back then Reading Rainbow knew what kids could take.

If only they'd stayed that way. I remember the episode when they reviewed the Anarchist's Cookbook. That does things to a kid. I can go anywhere... as long as my fake passport is good enough to fool the Columbian government. I can do anything... as long as I've mixed the chemicals right and my explosives work. They'd lost their limits, and although ratings went up, the show was just never the same.

Still, I could take that. No, what finally killed Reading Rainbow for me was black history month. The first few days were fine. They covered Martin Luther King, then George Washington Carver, then Harriet Tubman. After that they did Malcolm X. That was a little odd, what with his black nationalism, but it was fine in the end when he became loving and tolerant. No, what finally did it was when they ran out of good black role models and started just doing anyone black and famous.

Papa Doc killed it for me, like he did so many others. I could never look at Jordie Laforge the same way after I'd heard him say "Today we're visiting Papa Doc Duvalier, ruler of Haiti. Hey Papa Doc, what are you doing today?"

"We're killing rebels and their families today. Wanna come along?"

"Sure, Papa Doc, that sounds like fun."

Then the burning huts, and the dismembered bodies, and the shouting soldiers, and the voodoo rituals. After that my heart just wasn't in it anymore.

No, after that my heart was in that jar on the witch doctor's shelf, and I never watched Reading Rainbow again.